As humans, we all have insecurities about ourselves. With the media shoving down our throats what the 'perfect body' should look like. We are taught at a young age to body shame anything that isn't what the media wants us to look like & that is complete bullshit!
Our bodies are temples. They hold the history of our lives. They hold our experiences, whether they are good or bad, they are still a part of us. Our body is a part of us.
It is my duty to show you that your body is beautiful, regardless of what anyone may say!
Growing up, I was always plus-sized. I hid behind baggy clothes because I didn't want others to judge me or see me for my true size. People didn't start complimenting me until I got sick with gastroparesis and lost a ton of weight - none that I intended - and people would always comment how great I look, or remark on how I lost so much weight so quickly.
It wasn't my choice but the newfound attention got to me. I suddenly wished people would have noticed me for me and not for how I looked, but that isn't the case. People see the outside.
15 years later, I gained my weight back plus a huge amount more, but my confidence in myself was strengthened by my husband and my newborn. I was the perfect space for my newborn. Warm, plushie, and safe. I experienced health issues that needed to be addressed & chose to undergo bariatric surgery. I was so afraid my husband & daughter wouldn't love me the same way. I was always plushy and cuddly but I knew this surgery was necessary for my health. I wanted to be there for my family & I wanted all of my medical issues to resolve. It will be 2 years in February & most of my health issues are gone! Of course, my daughter & husband still loved me regardless but the experience was purposeful.
I still look at my body & see the shape I used to be. When I choose clothes, I had a hard time accepting that I went from a size 18 to a size 6. I would continue to see myself in a size 12 or something! It took me forever to let go of my plus-size clothes. What if I gained it all back again?
I started to have boudoir sessions before I lost weight & which helped me see who I really was. I was so nervous when I had to get in front of a camera in just a bra and panty set. I would never in my wildest dreams have chosen something that revealed my round belly or thick thighs. I was always the girl who wore a one-piece AND SWIMMING SHORTS! I was so insecure in how I loved, I didn't want others to feel uncomfortable with my size.
How wrong I was.
Why the frack should I even CARE what others thought of me when they looked at me? I didn't know them!
My first session was with a friend & local photographer in 2018. She was having a model call & I decided to go for it. I knew my body was going to be shown in public & that was NERVEWRACKING!
After my first session, I was on fire. I had this incredible amount of confidence that I never knew I had. I went around flaunting myself, shouting, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK HOW SEXY I AM!!!"
IT WAS ADDICTING. THIS FEELING. It seriously, seriously, changed my life.
I wanted others to feel this way too.
I continued to have sessions after periods of weight loss to remind me of my transformation. I deliberately chose pieces that revealed my scars, my excess weight & items that could be too revealing to people who think you shouldn't do something so revealing if you aren't the 'right size.'
I was going to make a statement.
It changed my life.
I became a boudoir photographer at the end of 2020 because I wanted others to feel as I felt about myself. I have always struggled with my body, & even after losing weight, I still struggle, & that made me understand that it doesn't matter if you are 'skinny' or 'fat' stick figure or round, we all have the same insecurities. The same fears that spark from shame, lack of confidence, and nervousness.
It's okay. I get it. I'm there as well.
Boudoir healed my self-worth. It empowered me to see myself for who I was & not what I looked like. In each session I did, and each self-portrait I took, I made sure to be bold. I was empowered. I was confident & I was sexy. Seeing myself in this new light was what I needed. Boudoir healed me & helped me see my body in a new light.
Boudoir healed me. I want it to heal you too. <3
love,
Nikki
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